breathe for love tomorrow

because i want help with my writing. kays? kay. i do prose,poetry, and photography.

also, my life is boring as of know, so thats all i have to say about that.

Here i am:

http://skinnymeanmean.deviantart.com/

1. My rommate is fucking annoying as hell and needs to get a hotel room when her bf comes over because I don't wanna here their nasty shit.
2. 18 credit hours is kicking my ass
3. The love of my life is in seattle
4. Im really lonely. D:
5. I want to get a dove and name it Freddy Mercury. But not a white dove.


Meeeeeeeh.

it really is.
as much a I love Oregon, the man im lusting after is really far away. and i know this is supposed to be about me, being on my own, but damn im lonely.

and wayyy too Single.

so,
ATTENTION OREGON BOYS: hi. ;]

after three years, i have decided to tell my mother about my depression. I could go into detail about how my birthday ended up being the worst day of my life, and how im entering therapy, but im not.

anyways,i leave for school in less than a month now. i dont speak to my parents anymore...yeah how about that therapy?


ALSSSOOO>>> I just read that Message from Gerard this morning that he posted for the Mcrmy and on myspace, and Im so happy to have an official report. and to hear his words. Im so glad they are all doing well. and i even am not totally hating on Lyn-Z, (which I usually do in my head) Im just glad they are all doing well. The jealous fangirlie side of me must be on vacation.


FUCCKK I just scratched my new tattoo and its peeling a little. :/

I toss and turn in my bed
You think I'm cruel
Because you’re under-fed
Lie here next to me
Your absence I have come to dread
Everything I have starved you from
You scramble for mere crumbs of bread
Stay here next to me
Heart and eyes burning lustful red
Forget I hurt you
Fiction from your pretty head
We’re past forgiveness
But guilt weighs as lead
I’ll keep you hungry
I meant what I said
I’d rather see you emaciated
Than gone and dead.

*purposefully no punctuation*

Do you ever get to a point where you cant stand your best friend?
I am at my breaking point here, and I cannot wait for september 21st, when I finally get to move out of this hell. Im drifting apart from my family and friends, and sadly, Im happy for that. Im not meant to be here.

I hate being depended on. It fucking sucks. Im so tired of being in charge and responsible, just because others are too fucking lazy to do anything themselves. I hate being treated like shit, and then fucking fed to the dogs. Why do the people Im closest to always hurt me the most?

fuccckkk. i just hurt so bad right now.

all the good ones are taken. or gay.


not funny so dont laugh.

I just wrote my first song! Like, a real one. Haha. I write a lot of lyrics n shit and I make up shit on the guitar and piano but I have never put them together. Im so excited about this for some reason. The only problem is that my fingers aren't fully callused and my friggn cheap ass acoustic guitar has the most shit strings possible!

And now im going to go indulge in some mindless tv watching and waste away the rest of my summer.

 so i was supposed to go to the weezer hootenanny tonite, but alas, God created assholes. And assholes ruined my day. So there you go. I hate assholes.

BUT I did just meet Panic at the Disco and She Wants Revenge so thats pretty nifty.

Pike Place Market- 11/12/07 

You bump into me once,
You smile back at me.
The prolonged smile is enough for hope.
I avert my eyes from yours,
So I wouldn't have to remember.
But I do anyways.
The second time was mutual,
My arm just barley brushes yours.
I notice you are with your family too.
I find it funny;
This second time, and laugh-off our encounter,
But when the market grows even more crowded,
I turn to cross your path once more.
This time I stand my ground and smile back at you.
Then you spoke.
“Sorry.”
You elbowed me in the shoulder-
But trust me I didn’t mind.
My brain froze- I didn’t respond,
And walked away.
I waited for you across the street
Hoping to see you once more.
I wanted to say
“It’s okay.” And show you-
I noticed it too. 

If you can keep going without revealing,
without drawing attention,
if you can somehow hide what you're feeling,
eventually you will pay a pension.
never will anyone ask you,
never will anyone see,
even if you ask them to,
they can't be the hero you want them to be.

If you can try and try again,
thinking you can solve this alone,
you get so close but then,
nothings in the abyss of the unknown.
if you can locate the source,
if you can think logically, ponder and examine,
this cause you find will have no remorse,
it will not help in your state of famine.

If you can survive years of agonizing pain,
not knowing how to mend,
if you find there is nothing to gain,
fighting when there is nothing to defend,
realization clears your mind,
you can't stay, but you can't run,
it's a matter you must confront; you find,
what you must do has yet to be done.

If you can find a way,
a truth, a friend, a medication,
something stable; out of the grey,
you have both my pity and admiration.
if you revert and if you return,
if you say you will cease to cry,
if you say you have healed and there is no need for concern,
then you must be living a lie.

Im so happpeee. BUT its the fucking day after graduation. So its gonna be one hell of a week. Im super pumped though, I absolutely adore their new album. Im so ready to get the hell out of here, on with summer and into college its not even funny.

Its funny how Forks is quite the little mecca now. Im afraid to inform you that there are no vampires in Forks. But yes, it does rain hella and sure its pretty, but its your average small town, nothing to travel interstate for.

it was the best and the worst of days.

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE IN PORTLAND WAS SO AMAZING.

I left from Seattle at 7am got there at 10:30, waited in line until 6. Nothing too exciting happened. It rained, it was cold, blah blah blah. Got inside, the Crystal Ballroom was beautiful, so fucking amazing. We were like in the "third row " so we had a good view but Im too fucking short for this shit sometimes. Drive By was kinda boring, good, but not amazing. Billy Talent was really good, energetic, and their vocals kicked ass. My friend new all the words to all of their songs, so she had alot of fun with them.

Right before My Chem came out, everyone started singing Happy Birthday to Gerard. They came out and their first song was Venom, which was fucking awesome. Ive seen and met quite a few bands in my day, but I will always be star-stuck when I see MCR. Not only are they my favorite band, but they mean so much to me, I cant live without them. *Fangirl sigh*

Gerard would ask us to sing Happy Birthday to him after every song, only to interrupt us half-way through to break into the next song. In Washington State, it is illegal to smoke indoors at all, so when Gerard, Frank and Bob all lit up cigarettes in between songs, I was Like "WTF ARE THEY DOING?!!?" yeeeahh...then Gerard was drinking a Red Bull Smoothie and making his "sippy face".


Lets see....what else....I always seem to forget how nasally Gerard's voice is. Ha. So cute. And I got a Mikey Fuckin Way shirt- which no one in Seattle will have.

Overall, it was the best day ever.

Then it was over. Over. I didnt meet them, I didnt go to the signing, and I didnt go to the concert the day before. I feel so shitty because I feel like I half-ass everything, because I have never met them or anything. I feel so stupid because I just went to the concert, and didnt get anything signed or some shit. And now its over and I regret not being so hardcore about it because I lost an opportunity that I wont get for a long time. I have nothing to look forward to now.
  
 Damn it you Post Concert Depression.

if I were you I would take my advice on tattoo colors. and no one does. why? I have no idea. but they should. I know what will look good, I DESIGN tattoos for people and even though I only have one myself, my dad gets tattoos all the time. So Im not being trying to sound arrogant, but I KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT.


so if you wanna get a shitty ass tattoo be my guest. But I will be THE FIRST PERSON to be honest and tell you how fucking stupid your "color scheme" is.

 Im going to the MyChem concert in Portland on April 9th. Gee's Birthday.  FUCKING PUMPED!
Its gonna be the best spring break ever.
See you there. 
<3

oh yeah, that Christian would dominate, as always.

okay sooo: Daniel Vosovic, Jeffery, and Christian are the hottest men ever. 

last thought..... My Chem really needs to schedule a show in Seattle for this little tour they've got going here. HELLO?! Seattle is a music mecca. Hells no Im not driving to Portland. Anyone wanna drive me?

oh wait, one more thought... I gots me a tattoo. Sparrow on my neck. pretty fabulous.

I walked onto the beach in black skinny jeans, a black "Love the Movement" shirt,my  black "Dead!" hoodie and black converse. I got some stares...

Im so not here. Physically I'm on vacation in Hawaii. Mentally its so much more than that. If you suffer from depression  Im sure you can somewhat relate to how I have been feeling the past few months. I have been stressed, had an anxiety attack last week, and deathly sick and depression just makes everything twenty times worse. So when I stepped out into the sand of Kilua beach last night, I cried.

It is sickeningly beautiful here. Its so fucking cliche with the birds and sand and sunsets. But when Im alone on the beach just listening. Im so happy to be away. The best part is that i cant do this whenever I want because I am staying on a HUGE house ON the beach; all I have to do is walk a few feet.

The Downside. I miss my best friend. I have never been away from her longer than about a week. I have no one to talk to. MISS YOU B!!! AND I cant swear in front of the fam. Which pisses me off because I like to cuss people out, and I really dont think my grandparents would appreciate that.

Yep. thats it. 



p.s  a bird just flew in the dining room. :D